“I really do not deserve anything. I am the crappiest Christian ever.” These were my thoughts as I sat in the pew at my first Maundy Thursday service. “Why would God keep putting up with me?”
I am probably not the first Christian to admit they are a failure and a sinner, but for me it’s a big deal. I grew up a Pastor’s daughter and honestly have always felt that I need to be above reproach because I am a Pastor’s daughter. I always felt the need to be perfect and so I think some small part of me loved it when I rebelled. I was tired of trying to fit a mold that I would NEVER fit. I decided at a young age that I was not going to be a missionary of any sort. I wasn’t cut out for that life because I have always seen myself as a terrible Christian so why should I be leading others to Christ when I can’t even follow him?
I am so imperfect and fail everyday at following God. I don’t read my Bible like I should, I don’t pay attention in Church like I should, sometimes I sing the hymns just to hear myself sing (I hate how conceited this sounds but it is the truth), I lie, I lust, I curse, I strongly hate people, I judge people harshly, I am a terrible Christian so why does God keep putting up with me?
I could fill hundreds of pages with my sins and the ones that I keep repeating no matter how many times I say I’m never doing that again. I could tell you the names of people I have hurt. I could tell you the names of people I should have told about God but chose to keep my mouth shut. I could tell you of times that I should have stood up for believing in God but again chose to keep my mouth shut because I didn’t think it was worth it. I didn’t think God was worth it but he thought I was worth everything.
My cousin gave me a book for graduation called Don’t Waste Your Life by John Piper. Like the Bible that gathers dust on my floor this book is also gathering dust. It’s tough to admit this because I read the first chapter and remember thinking that it is an amazing book, but somehow great books like these get pushed aside for fiction books that do nothing more for me than take me away to another world for a few hours. Books that tell me to glorify in the cross could potently change my life more than a story about fairies in a made up world.
The idea of glorifying in the cross always stuck with me because who honestly thinks Crucifixion is something to be happy about. It’s the most painful way to kill someone and yet God calls us to remember and be thankful for the cross. Why is this? God wouldn’t keep putting up with me without the cross and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that he saw me as worth it even when I didn’t think he was. Despite the fact I fail him everyday he chose to save a wretch like me and for that I am thankful. I do not deserve his love yet he chooses to love me anyways and for that I am thankful.
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”
Christ died for me, the crappiest Christian ever and for that I am thankful everyday. I’m going to continue to fail, but Christ is going to continue to love me and that is why I love him back. He will never leave me nor forsake me and he filled that hole in my heart I thought only the love of a husband would fill. His love is beyond comprehension especially when I sin, because those are the moments when I want to give up. He is never going to stop fighting for me and I am never going to stop trying to be deserving of his love. It got me out of my darkest hours and into my happiest moments. He loved me when I thought no one else did. I can never repay him for what he has done but I can do what he asks and try to live like him everyday.
God loves me and for that I am grateful.